Chapter eleven - the making of Helena.
Gerard and I spent almost the whole night writing the song.
“I think we finally finished.” Gerard smiled.
“let’s hear it.” I started to play the melody Gerard had come up with.
Long ago
Just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you
Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Gerard smiled when I looked up. I smiled back.
I hugged him, “gee, grandma would be proud.”
“yeah. Now go get some sleep it’s 5 am. We leave at 8.” he laughed. I rolled my eyes and headed to the kitchen. I didn’t plan on going to sleep since it was pointless. I grabbed a cup and poured in the coffee. I headed back up to my room, despite the fact that frank was most likely asleep in my bed. I opened the door quietly and walked up the stairs, leaving the door wide open. I peered over the side of the stairs. Frank was sitting on my bed, still awake.
“you’re still up?” I asked as I walked over to the bed.
“no, I fell asleep for like two hours. What were you doing?” He rubbed his eyes.
“me and gee were working on something.”
“oh, well, now that you’re here can we go to sleep?”
“If you want you can. I’m not gonna sleep now. I’ll just sleep on the bus.” I smiled and hugged him.
“well, will you Atleast lay with me?” he smiled cutely.
“fine.” I smiled and layed next to him, resting my head on his chest. He pulled me in close with his free hand and kissed me on the forehead.
I could feel my face turning red. I started to get a little tired as I layed there. I looked around and got up. Frank was asleep so I snuck down the stairs and into the living room. I turned on the Tv and kicked back. now only a few more hours until we’re on the road.
Chapter twelve- getting ready to leave.
I walked up the stairs slowly. I was trying to think of how to wake the guys up. Ray and Bob were already wake in the kitchen. I walked into Mikey’s room. He was still asleep. I walked over to the side near the window. I smiled as I poked him. He rolled over as I ducked down. He still wasn’t awake so I grabbed the sheets at the end of the sheets and pulled. He was still asleep. I bit my lip as I thought.
“MIKEY COFFEE!!” I screamed from the hall. He ran out.
‘WHERE!?”
“the kitchen with ray and bob. Don’t kill them for it thought!”
He laughed as he headed down the stairs.
Next was frank. I headed towards my room. Frank was still asleep in my bed. I smiled evilly as I walked over and bent over him. I poked his cheek. He didn’t budge so I whispered in his ear.
“Frankie.”
He didn’t move.
“WAKE THE FUCK UP!” I punched him in the arm playfully.
“five more minutes.” he rolled over on to his back.
“NO!” I sat on his chest and stared at him.
“please?”
“nope.” I leaned forward, planning on scaring him when he opened his eyes. He didn’t open his eyes. He grabbed my hips, causing me to scream. He opened his eyes and started to laugh.
“you really thought you would get me?” he asked as I got off of him.
“not really.” I laughed.
“come on, let’s get some coffee.” he walked towards the stairs.
“I gotta wake up gee and grab the rest of my stuff.”
“fine. I’ll have a cup waiting for you.”
“yeah if mikey doesn’t attack you for it.” I laughed as I grabbed the rest of my stuff. I placed it into a backpack and closed it. I grabbed my bags and pulled them down stairs. I left them by the door and walked back up to wake up Gerard.
I opened the door to his room and smiled. He was still passed out on his bed. I snuck over to his bed and kneeled on the ground. I shook his arm. He pulled it back and rolled over.
I stood up and pulled the sheets back. He moaned and rolled on to his side. I pouted.
This was harder then I thought. I punched him in the arm playfully.
Still nothing.
“GERARD WAKE THE FUCK UP OR I WILL COME BACK WITH ICE!” he rolled over.
“can’t it wait Alex?”
“Gerard. Wake up.” I shook his arm.
“fine.” he whined and sat up.
I smiled. “come on. I’ll make you a latte or something.”
He smiled and followed me down the stairs.
“HE’S ALIVE!” frank yelled as he handed me a cup of coffee.
“thanks babe.” I kissed him on the cheek and started to drink it. I heard the door open.
I walked out and looked towards the door.
“MICHELLE!!” I ran over, some how not spilling a drop of coffee. I hugged her.
“ALEX!” she laughed. “I brought you an iced coffee.” she smiled and handed me one.
“MIKEY!” I screamed. He stuck his head out of the kitchen. “here have the rest of mine.” he grabbed the cup of coffee I had started to drink.
“thanks lexi.” he smiled.
“no problem.” I smiled and walked back into the kitchen with Michelle.
“dude, I can’t wait! Our first show is tonight in Trenton.” she smiled.
“I call the bunk farthest from Gerard!” Frank yelled.
“why?” I turned towards him.
“have you ever smelt your brother when he doesn’t take a shower?” frank laughed.
“fuck you frank.” Gerard grabbed a cup from the cabinet. Frank got up and walked over to Gerard. He kissed him on the cheek.
“okay. Give a time and a place.” frank laughed.
“um… guys think we should start getting our stuff on the bus?” Bob said.
“WOAH! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM!?” Michelle jumped back, not realizing Bob had been there the whole time.
I laughed, “yeah bob, let’s go.” I headed into the hallway. I picked up my bags and carried them outside. Michelle grabbed them out of the trunk of Ray’s car. She followed me on to the tour bus.
“which one is ours?” she looked at all of them.
“um… the top on this side is…. Mine. That one’s frank’s, then Alex’s and your’s.” Bob pointed to each one.
“how do you know?” I asked, staring at him.
“name tags.” he laughed.
“oh.” Michelle said climbing into her bunk. I opened the curtain on mine and started to take out the contents of my bag. I put my laptop at the end near the wall. I placed my hello kitty on my pillow and the rest of the items on the shelf at the end.
“AH FUCK! I LEFT MY GUITAR UPSTAIRS.” I ran off the bus and up the stairs. I grabbed my guitar. I grabbed another suitcase just incase I forgot anything. I grabbed the box from under my bed. I put it into the suit case. I opened my dresser and made sure I had extra clothes. I grabbed two extra pairs of shoes and placed them in.
I looked around my room one last time. I made sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. I grabbed my cell phone charger and my webcam off the bed since I meant to throw those in the bag earlier. I carried the suit case down along with my guitar which was now in it’s case.
“you guys gonna help?” I asked peeking into the kitchen. Mikey and Ray were sitting at the table.
“we already put our stuff on the bus. Gerard just headed up stairs to get his stuff and Frank is out there now.” Mikey smiled.
“oh.” I headed back out to the bus. I placed my guitar and suitcases in the storage under the bunk.
“well, I’m unpacked.” I smiled and climbed out of the bunk.
Michelle laughed, “me too.”
“I’m gonna go in and grabbed a cup of coffee.” I smiled, “and I got to say goodbye to my parents.”
“alright.”
I walked off the bus. “oh, hey gee.” I smiled.
He smiled back and headed on to the bus. I opened the front door and walked into the kitchen.
“mikey, where’s mom and dad?”
“the living room.” he said as I poured a cup of coffee and added sugar.
“Mom.” I walked into the living room.
“yes?” she smiled.
“we’re going to be leaving soon.”
“I know. Be safe please.” she hugged me.
“I know. Geez, I got Mikey and Gee with me. And we’re going to be with like five different bands. They will watch out for me.”
“I know.” she started to cry, “but my babies are leaving the house.”
“geez mom. You’re crying on my new tie.” I smiled as she pulled back laughing.
“sorry sweetie, the house is going to feel empty with out you here.”
“it’s only for a few months.” I smiled.
“I know.” she smiled.
I looked over towards my dad. I smiled as he stood up and hugged me.
“I’m going to miss you.” I hugged him tightly.
“I’ll miss you too. Have fun and please be safe.”
“geez, dad I know.” I laughed.
He smiled, “I had to say it.” he laughed.
I smiled, “bye guys. I’ll call you tonight before the concert.”
“alright.” they smiled.
I walked out of the living room and into the hallway. I headed outside and over to the bus. I yawned as I walked up the stairs.
“tired?” Frank asked. He was sitting on the couch.
“just a little.” I leaned on him.
“then fall asleep. We have a few hours before the show.” frank said as he kissed my forehead.
“I know.” I closed my eyes and fell sleep almost automatically.
Chapter thirteen - on the road.
My eyes opened quickly. There had been a loud crash just moments earlier. I noticed I was in my bunk. how did I get here? I climbed out of my bunk and walked out into the living area. Frank was leaning on a wall, staring at the shattered glass on the ground.
“what happened?” I asked as I bent down and began picking up the shards of glass.
“I dropped my glass. You don’t need to pick it up.” Gerard bent down next to me.
“no gee I got it.” I smiled and placed the shards into the garbage. I went back and picked up the remainders of the glass.
I screamed out in pain.
“ALEX!” frank ran out of the bunks. “WHAT’S WRONG!?”
I was bent over holding my hand.
“MOTHER FUCKER!” I felt the tears fall off of my cheek.
Frank bent down, “let me see you hand.” he grabbed my hand and looked at it. There was a large piece of glass stuck in my hand. There was a little bit of blood around it.
“alright, hold still I need to take it out.” he said taking off his shirt.
I whimpered as he pulled the glass out of my hand. He washed the cut out using peroxide.
“FRANK!” I screamed in agony.
“sorry Alex, it has to be clean.” he wiped off the excess and wrapped his shirt around my hand. He looked back up at me.
“thanks frank.” I smiled weakly. My hand was throbbing but for some reason the pain felt kind of good.
“you’re welcome babe.” he said taking me into his arms. I wrapped my free arm around him and pulled him close. He smiled as he looked back. He wiped the tears from my eyes. I smiled weakly even though my hand was throbbing with pain. He leaned in and kissed me. He pulled back and smiled. “feel better?”
“much.” I smiled and walked over to the table. I leaned on it while frank picked up the rest of the glass. He dropped the rest of the glass in the garbage and stood back up.
“I’m gonna go lay down for a little while. I’m beat.” he smiled and kissed my forehead. “night babe.”
“night.” I smiled and walked over to the couch where mikey was sitting. I sat down and brought my knees to my chest.
“you okay?” Mikey looked over and then back to the magazine he was reading.
“slightly. My hand is throbbing and I’m getting dizzy.” I said as I looked down towards the floor.
“want coffee or something?” he asked standing up.
“coffee sounds good right about now.”
Michelle walked out of the bunks and sat on the couch. “make it two cups mikey.” She smiled. She turned towards me, “you okay? Frank told me about the whole glass thing.”
“yeah. But the weird part was…. The pain felt really good.” I looked down at my hand.
“wow… that is weird… maybe you’re a born cutter!” she laughed.
I laughed, “yeah but I don’t think I can stand the sight of blood everyday.”
“A CUTTER WITH THE FEAR OF BLOOD!” she laughed.
“damn…. I got fucked.” I laughed as mikey handed me a cup of coffee.
“so how much longer until we get to the concert hall?” Michelle asked as she took a sip of coffee.
“about a half hour. Then we do sound check and crap. We’d end up having about an hour and a half of free time before the concert.” Gerard smiled as he walked out of the back room. “and we even got Helena recorded and everyone knows their parts. I call this a pretty productive day.” he laughed as he sat next to mikey.
“sweet.” I smiled as I took a sip.
“yup. And guess who’s coming on stage and performing it live tonight.” Gerard smiled towards me.
“Gerard! I can’t! I have never sang or played on stage in front of people!” I started to panic.
“but you did great during the talent show when you were in 8th grade. And don’t worry I’ll be with you.” he smiled.
“Gerard. I wasn’t singing then and I did a dance with my friends. Don’t you remember how I got nervous and messed up some parts?”
“I know but come on. Please, for grandma?”
I whined, “fine. But only for her.” I looked at the floor. I hated singing in front of large groups since I can’t stand being the center of attention. It was too bed that my grandmother couldn’t hear me sing before she passed.
I bit my lip, “I think I’m going to go practice.” I stood up and walked to my bunk. I grabbed my guitar out of the storage. I sat on the bunk and plugged in my webcam. I started a live stream and started to play the beginning of Helena.
I started to sing despite my nerves going crazy. My hands shook as I played. More and more people joined the stream, causing me to get more nervous. I swallowed back the fear and contuined to play. I had to get over my fear.
I finished the song and read the comments from everyone. a lot of people were saying I was great and that I should sing professionally. A few asked about the song’s meaning. I even got asked if I was okay since I got a little shaking during the chorus.
I unplugged the webcam and turned off my laptop. I walked into the back room where ray was working on the song.
“Alex, can you wake up frank? He needs to work on his part.” Ray asked smiling towards me.
“of course.” I walked over to frank’s bunk and opened the curtain.
“frank? Time to wake up and start working.” I nudged him. He didn’t move so I climbed into his bunk and shook him.
He moaned, “but mom, working is for losers.”
“frank!” I slapped him. He opened his eyes.
“what was that for?” he rubbed his face.
“wake up and work on the song Gerard and I spent two hours working on.” I smiled as I climbed down.
“how long was I out?” he asked climbing down.
“about fifteen minutes.”
“damn, that’s all?” he put on a shirt and walked into the back room. I followed him and sat on the couch next to Ray. He smiled.
“alright frank. Here’s the stuff we have so far. You just have to write you’re part and then I’ll add it in.” ray handed Frank head phones so he could hear the song.
Frank had finished his part after about 15 minutes.
“want to hear the finished product Alex?” Ray handed a pair of headphones to me and hit play. My jaw dropped when I heard the song. It sounded amazing. I started to sing along.
The song ended and I took off the headphones.
“wow. Ray it sounds amazing!” I smiled.
“I know. I can’t believe you came up with the part I play. It was perfect.” He smiled. “and you’re voice is amazing.”
My face turned red, “thanks.”
Frank smiled, “you’re amazing.” he hugged me.
I smiled and wrapped my arm around him.
Gerard appeared in the door way.
“sound check is in five minutes.” he smiled.
“alright.” frank and ray got up. I smiled as frank kissed my forehead before leaving.
“you too Alex. You have to do it for Helena.” he smiled.
I stood up and walked out. I stood next to frank as we waited for Bob and Gerard.
“nervous?” he asked grabbing my hand.
“nervous? Hell, I’m scared shitless right now!” I grabbed his hand tighter.
He laughed, “don’t worry. You’ll do fine. I know this for a fact.” he put his arm around my neck.
We walked into the arena we’d be playing in. Gerard walked over to me smiling.
“it’s sold out. Every seat will be full!”
I looked around. I felt dizzy. I felt my knees give out and my body hit the pavement.
Chapter fourteen - problems with the concert
My eyes opened slowly. Frank was leaning over me talking but I couldn’t make out the words. I saw Gerard running over with someone following him.
There was a lot of noise but I couldn’t make out any of it.
“frank, I’m scared. I can’t tell what’s going on!” I screamed. I couldn’t move with out it hurting. I could feel someone touching my arms. I kept my eyes locked on frank. I looked at his lips trying to see what he was saying. All I got out of it was, it’s going to be okay and then the rest was a blur. I closed my eyes. It hurt too much to keep them open. I felt someone grab my hand. I couldn’t move to figure out who it was. frank…. Help me.
[Gerard’s POV]
I paced the floor.
“Gerard. Sit.” Mikey grabbed my hand.
“NOT UNTIL I KNOW SHE IS OKAY!” I yelled pulled my hand out of his grip. “it was a mistake for me to say that. It was a mistake for me to ask her to perform live.”
“Gerard. It wasn’t your fault.” Frank said. “no one could have expected her to get hurt like that.”
“frank, I can’t help but feel guilty. She’s my little sister. If she gets hurt, I panic. If she dies, I die. God, don’t you remember how I panicked when she fell off her skateboard and almost broke her wrist? It didn’t even faze her but it was killing me!”
“I know gee. But you can’t stop anything from happening. It’s all fate.” Ray said putting his hand on my shoulder.
I sat in a chair and covered my head. It was taking longer then normal for us to find out if she was okay. I looked over at Frank. He was handling it worse then I was but he wouldn’t show it. He was sitting with his head back, gripping the arms on the chair tightly. His eyes were all watery and red. It made sense for him to take it hard since he did love her a lot. She loves him the same way.
“I’ve been thinking. Even if Alex is okay after this, there is no way in hell I will let her perform on stage tonight.” I said as I stood up.
“understandable.” mikey said, “even if you wanted too I wouldn’t let her. She hurt her hand and now she has some problem. I couldn’t let her go out and get hurt.”
I nodded, “I’d feel like shit if she got hurt worse.”
It was silent. We all stared at something.
“ I need a fucking cigarette.” Frank said as he stood up to walk out side.
“same here.” I got up and followed him out. We were silent for a few moments.
“Frank what’s wrong? You’re never this quiet.” I said as I lit the cigarette and took a drag.
“I’m worried as fuck. I can’t believe this is happening.” he took a drag off his cigarette.
“I know.” I looked at the ground.
“I may have only been dating her for a few days, I feel like I couldn’t survive with out her.”
“frank, you’ve also been around her since she was about 13. You had always had her around you. She was there for you when you had a problem and crap.” I said as I took another drag.
“exactly. She always helped… without her it… it’ll just hurt a lot.” he looked at the ground and wiped under his eyes.
I nodded in agreement, “it won’t be the same. We just have to pray she’s okay.”
He nodded and sat on the ground.
“you won’t think less of me if I start crying right?” he looked up at me.
“no.” I said sitting next to him. He started to cry. He covered his face.
Frank wiped his eyes when his cigarette went out.
“can we go back in now?” he coughed.
“yeah. Come on.” I helped him up. We headed back to were the guys were waiting. Bob was sitting in a chair and mikey and ray were gone.
“come with me.” Bob said getting up and walking down the hallway. I followed him closely since he was probably taking us to where Alex was.
He opened the door to a room. Mikey and Ray were sitting in chairs at one side of the room. Alex was in the bed. She didn’t seem to be awake yet. I sat next to mikey.
“what did they say?”
“she’s okay. Just slight bruising from when she fell and her hand is okay. She should be okay by tonight.” he said.
“thank god.” I let out a sigh of relief. “so nothing major?”
“nope. She’s okay. She’s just asleep at the moment. She should be up soon.” Mikey smiled. I smiled and leaned back in the chair.
[regular POV]
My eyes opened slowly. It still hurt a lot to move but it was much easier. I sat up slowly. I rubbed my eyes despite the fact it still hurt. Frank walked over and kneeled next to the bed.
“Alex, how do you feel?” he looked up at me.
“I still feel sore but a lot better now.” I smiled as he stood up and hugged me. He let go and looked at me.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” he smiled. I looked at his eyes. They were red and it looked like he had been crying. “what happened anyway?”
“I got nervous when gee said it was sold out. My knees gave out and I fainted. When I opened my eyes I didn’t hear anything. It just sounded like a lot of noise. I screamed but I felt like no one heard. I kept looking at you, trying to read your lips. Then I just closed my eyes again and then I woke up here.” I felt tears building up in my eyes. “when I couldn’t hear anything but a lot of noises I got scared. I just wanted you to be holding me and telling me it was just a dream. But it wasn’t.” I started to cry as frank grabbed a hold of me, pulling me close to him.
“it’s okay now Alex. I’m here and you’re okay now.” his voice was breaking. I pulled him in closely and cried harder. I closed my eyes tightly. I could feel the pain shooting up my back and arms but I didn’t care. All that mattered was I was with frank now.
“Alex.” Gerard walked over when frank let go. “I won’t make you perform live with us. If you want to, it’s your choice. I won’t force you. Not after that. I’d be too afraid you’d get hurt again.” he smiled and hugged me. “we’ll play Helena without you up there.”
“Gerard, I want to be up there with you when you play it for the first time, but I get nervous.” I said as I hugged him back. “I am going to play, whether you don’t want me to or not. I have to be up there with you since it means a lot to us.”
“Alex, are you sure?” Mikey asked.
“mikey, I’m positive. I need to do this. I have to concur my fear. This should help a lot.”
“Gerard… should we let her?” Mikey asked Gerard nervously.
“she wants to. We should just let her.” Gerard looked at me and smiled. “we just have to leave soon.”
“I’ll go ask a doctor…. And find coffee.” mikey said walking out of the room. I snickered as he left.
“thanks gee. I really want to do this now. I am less nervous.” I smiled.
“just be careful. Okay?”
“geez, you sound like mom.” I stuck my tounge out.
Mikey walked in with a doctor and a cup of coffee.
“LOOK GEE! COFFEE!! … oh and I found the doctor.” mikey said as he walked over to Gerard.
The doctor examined me one last time.
“everything seems fine. She just has a few bruises. She is okay to leave now.” the doctor smiled as he left the room. I grabbed my clothes from the table next to the bed and went into the bathroom. I put on my skirt, underwear and socks. I looked in the mirror. My back was covered with bruises and my hand was wrapped in a bandage. I put on my bra and shirt. I redid my make up and put on my boots. I walked back out. I grabbed my tie off of the table and put it on.
“ready?” frank said picking me up.
I laughed, “duh. Let’s go do a sound check!”
Chapter fifteen - sound check and before the concert.
I walked on stage. The guys were checking their insterments. I walked to my spot and plugged my guitar into the amp. I played a few notes and changed some of the settings on the amp.
“Gerard, how does this sound?” I asked as I started to play a little bit of Helena.
“good.” he smiled.
I smiled back, “thanks.” I kept playing the song and singing parts of it so I didn’t forget.
“Gerard.” I called him over.
“yeah?” he walked over and leaned slightly on the mic stand.
“well, you know how I can play and sing headfirst for halos?”
“yeah?” he looked at me confused.
“can I play it tonight on stage if I can play Helena with out getting to nervous?”
Gerard looked at me in shock. He smiled, “of course.”
“sweet!” I started to work on the beginning part of headfirst for halos.
“wow, you really want to play on stage tonight?”
“yeah frank. I like playing guitar and singing just I’ve never had people hear my voice in public. It’s kind of exciting… but I’m nervous at the same time.” I smiled.
“alright, I’ll make sure not to hit you.” he smiled.
“better not hit me…. I’ll kick your ass and make you look like a girl.” I stuck my tounge out and went back to playing.
Frank walked back over to his spot laughing.
“alright guys, let’s play Helena for the first time together.” Gerard said as he grabbed the mic.
I moved into the mic and started to play. Gerard cued me to sing. My voice was a little shaky at first but got better as I went on. Gerard would look over at me and smile every few lines. I would smile back and keep going.
The song ended.
“BOOYAH! I DID IT!” I screamed. Frank ran over and picked me up, spinning me around. I smiled as he put me down.
“oh fuck. We have about a half hour before the show beginnings. Then we have probably 40 minutes until we go on. I think we should go get ready.” Gerard said as he put the mic down and walked off stage. I followed him off and into our dressing room with the guys.
“frank come with me for a minute.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him into a room down the hall.
“you okay?” he looked at me confused. I leaned on the wall.
“not really. I’m getting nervous again.” I leaned forward holding my stomach. I started to feel sick.
“are you gonna do it still?”
I nodded, “I just feel sick.” frank leaned on the wall next to me. He kissed me on the forehead.
“you’ll be fine. Trust me.” he put his arm around me.
“I hope so.” I said standing up straight.
“you will be. You’re a way. You can handle anything.” he smiled and lifted my head.
“yeah…. I guess.” I shrugged.
“you will. And I’ll be up there with you.” he kissed me lightly. My face grew hot. Frank started to kiss me more passionately. He put his hand on my knee. He placed his other hand on the wall behind me to keep me stable. I placed my left hand on his shoulder and the other hand on the side of his face. He moved his hand up my leg. I blushed worse. He moved down to my neck, kissing it softly. I could feel my heart beating faster. My body started to get tense as frank moved his hand up my leg.
I heard the door open but I couldn’t move.
“ALEX!” Gerard screamed partically from shock.
“gee?!” I looked at him scared. I looked at the ground as gee walked out. Mikey was standing behind him. I looked back up to mikey, who was shaking his head.
I sat on the floor staring at the ground. Frank sat next to me, putting his arm around me.
“frank…. They’re disappointed in me…. I just know it!” I could feel the tears streaming down my face.
“Alex.” Frank took a deep breath. I could tell he had nothing to say since he probably was feeling bad. I sniffled and looked up. The door had been opened again.
“whoa, what is Mikey’s problem? All I did was ask him for a hug and he was like ‘no’ HOW CAN MIKEY RESIST A HUG!?” Michelle said, looking out the door at something. “Alex, you okay?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t speak since I was crying too hard.
“what happened?” she sat next to me.
I pointed at frank, wanting him to tell her.
“mikey and gee walked in while we were making out. She’s afraid they are disappointed in her.” Frank said as he stood up.
“why would they be disappointed?” Michelle looked at me.
“mikey was shaking his head and Gerard stormed out of here.” I sniffled and stood up. “I need a cigarette.” I wiped my eyes.
“what if gee sees?” Michelle said following me outside.
“fuck it. He’s already disappointed in me. What else do I have to lose?” I said opened the door. I pulled out a cigarette from my pocket and lit it. I took a deep drag.
“you do have a point there… I guess.” Michelle leaned against the building while I paced in front of her.
“what am I gonna do?” I took another drag.
“what do you mean?”
“what if they hate me? How am I going to fix it!?” I was panicking again.
“Alex, relax. After this we’ll go talk to them… well, mainly you since… yeah… mikey makes me nervous.”
“…. you like my brother don’t you?” I looked over at her.
“… is it that obvious?” she took a drag and put out the cigarette.
“sorta.” I laughed a little and put out the rest of mine. “come on. Let’s go.” I opened the door and headed to the dressing room. The hall seemed longer then before and it felt like forever until we reached the door. I knocked and opened it.
“Mikey? Gerard?” I walked in, Michelle following me closely.
“what?” Gerard was grabbing clothes out of his bag.
“are you… disappointed in me?” I wouldn’t look at him.
“why does it matter? It’s you’re choice to lose it now.” Gerard’s voice sound angry.
“it matters since you guys are my fucking heroes! And just for the record, we didn’t do it!” I started to get upset. Why the fuck was Gerard being such a dick about it?
“…. we are?” Mikey said putting his hand on my shoulder. I turned and nodded. The tears were rolling down my cheeks again.
“…. wow….” he hugged me. “Gerard, give her a break. She’s only 16. This stuff seems right at the time. Atleast she didn’t go through with having sex with frank.” Mikey was pulling me closer.
“I know but…” he sighed. “I don’t want her ruining her life by having sex too early and getting pregnant. Most likely, the guy will leave and she will be a single mother raising a child on the streets!”
“…. AW…. FAMILY MOMENT!…. I’m leaving.” Michelle screamed as she left the room.
“Gerard, she’s our sister. Trust me, I know she wouldn’t fuck anyone without making sure he was the one.” Mikey smiled and let me go. He put his arm around my shoulder.
“… mikey, I know that too. I’m sorry it’s just one of the things I worry about.” Gerard was still grabbing clothes out of his bag. I kept looking up at him. I felt worse knowing that he thinks I would ruin my life.
“gee…. Come on. Look at her! HOW COULD YOU BE MAD AT HER!? SHE IS FUCKING ADORABLE!” mikey pushed me closer to Gerard.
Gerard looked at me and then back at mikey. He started to laugh.
“you have a point. But still.”
“Gerard, I’m sorry. I wasn’t planning on having sex… I just didn’t want to tell frank to stop.” I said looking up at him.
“Alex, just promise me you will at least wait until you’re 17 or 18.”
“I promise.” I smiled as he hugged me closely.
“GROUP HUGS!!! YAY!!!” Frank ran over and hugged me, pulling mikey into the hug, too.
“um… it’s kinda hard to breathe under all of you.” I tried to work my way out of the hug.
“my bad.” Frank let go. “so… I see you guys made up.” he smiled.
“yes frank. Do you want a cookie for getting it right?” Gerard looked at him.
“OH MY GOD! YES!!” frank smiled.
“too fucking bad.” Gerard laughed as frank pouted. god…. I am surrounded by morons… I fucking love it!
Chapter sixteen- Showtime and the after party.
“Alex you ready to go on?” Gerard asked.
“yeah.” I walked out of the bathroom. I had just changed into my black skirt and black tank top. I was wearing my striped socks with my gothic boots. I put my red tie on and pulled my hair back into two low pig tails. I picked up my guitar and place the strap on it.
“good luck.” frank said giving me a quick kiss as he walked by.
“thanks.” I smiled and put the strap around my neck. I’m gonna need it.
I followed the guys on to the stage. The roar of the crowd grew louder as we walked on. I took my place next to Gerard and plugged my guitar into the amp.
“NEW JERSEY! HOW THE FUCK ARE YA!?” Gerard screamed. The crowd went insane. It was amazing standing on stage while having these people screaming at you.
“alright now we have someone special up here with us tonight. Mine and Mikey’s younger sister, Alexandra!” the crowd screamed louder. “Alex is up hear to perform our new song with us. It’s about our grandmother who is no longer with us.” you could hear the tears in Gerard’s voice. The crowded awed and there was the occasional ‘we’re so sorry for your loss.’ “After we found out, Alex and I spent a little over two hours writing this song. It’s called Helena!”
The crowd cheered as Bob counted us in. I started to play and move closer to the mic. I made sure to look over at Gerard for my cue. Gerard smiled as he opened his mouth. I started to sing with him. I felt amazing standing up there with my brothers and friends. Having millions of people cheering for you. It felt amazing.
When the song ended the fans screamed. Gerard started to talk about something. I wasn’t paying attention since I had walked over to Frank.
“holey fuck, Alex.” he smiled. “I had no clue you could do that.”
I smiled, “thanks.” I walked back over to my spot and prepared to play headfirst for halos.
“now, Alex is probably going to be up here all night singing along with us.” Gerard smiled over at me. I smiled back.
“damn straight.” I said into the mic as the fans screamed.
[1 hour later]
“THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!” Gerard screamed. We all ran off stage.
I smiled as frank picked me up and spun me around.
“you were amazing!” he smiled.
“thanks.” I smiled and kissed him.
“hey guys, let’s go out and celebrate.” Gerard smiled.
“fuck yes!” I smiled and held on to frank’s neck since he was still holding me.
“how about a bar?” Gerard asked.
“no gee. Michelle and I are underage. How about that club in the center of town? Michelle and I know the owners so we could get in.” I smiled.
“alright. Let’s go.” Gee smiled and headed for the door.
“Alex, can you get on my back? Holding you this way in making my arms sore.” Frank asked letting me down.
“of course.” I got on his back and he started to head for the door.
“oh my…. Frank must love that.” Michelle said laughing.
“probably.” I laughed and rested my head on his shoulder.
[20 minutes later (at the club)]
“Gerard… um… we’ve only been here for ten minutes and you’ve had 6 beers…..” I looked at him. “it can’t be healthy…”
“I’m fine.” Gerard said, slurring his words. I looked at Frank.
He shrugged, “we can’t do anything. It has to be his choice.”
I bit my lip, “but frank, it can’t be healthy! What if he dies?!” Gerard had gotten up for yet another beer.
“Alex, we won’t let him get that drunk. And anyway the funeral is tomorrow so he can’t.” Frank pulled me close.
“frank, I’m just nervous.” I could feel a few tears build up, “I don’t want this to hurt him.”
“I know.” frank rested his head on mine. I sighed deeply and took a sip of coffee.
I looked over to the bar. Gerard wasn’t standing there or walking back. I got up and headed outside to have a cigarette. There was an alley next to the bar so I leaned on the wall and lit one. I heard people talking so I hid next to the dumpster.
“do you have it?” the voice sounded familiar.
“yeah. Here. Now where’s the money.” the second person said.
“here. Thanks man.” my heart stopped. The voice was so familiar but I couldn’t think of who. The second person walked by me so I ducked down more. The first person walked by holding a small bag filled with white powder. My guess was it was coke. I looked over at the person. I couldn’t tell who it was but they walked into the club. I put out my cigarette and ran to follow the person. I looked back at the table where the guys were. Gerard was now sitting opening another beer. I looked at him closely. There was a small bag sticking out of his pocket slightly.
I walked over and sat back next to Frank. I kept my eyes on Gerard the whole time. every time he got up for a beer I would watch him until he sat back down.
“you okay?” Michelle looked at me.
“come with me.” I grabbed her arm and led her to the bathroom.
“I think Gerard’s doing coke now.”
“what do you mean?” Michelle sat on the counter.
“well, I was outside smoking in the alley.”
“an alley? Are you fucking stupid? You could have been raped!” she laughed.
“just listen. I was smoking when I heard to people talking. One of them sounded like Gerard. When they left the person walked by holding a bag of coke.”
“oh… wow…” Michelle looked puzzled. “what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m worried about him.” I leaned on the wall.
“come on. We’ll just spy on him until we know for a fact he’s doing drugs.” she grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the table.
Chapter seventeen- love and secrets.
I watched Gerard get up. He didn’t head over to the bar but to the bathroom. I nudged mikey and told him to follow gee in.
“why?”
“mikey just do this for me.” I pleaded. Mikey walked over and followed Gerard in.
[Mikey’s POV]
I opened the door to the bathroom slightly and looked in. Gerard was standing in front of the mirror. I watched him for a little while and then moved back when he looked towards the door. I waited a few seconds and looked back in Gerard was leaning over the counter. There was a small bag and a razor next to him.
My jaw dropped.
[Regular POV]
I noticed Mikey heading back over.
“so?” I waited for mikey to tell me what he saw.
“he’s taking a piss.” he laughed.
“okay. Whatever.” I looked over to Frank, “can we dance?” I smiled cutely knowing he couldn’t resist.
“alright.”
I bent down and whispered in Michelle’s ear, “ask mikey to dance. He probably will.”
She smiled and walked over to mikey.
“M-Mikey, will you dance with me?” her face was turning red.
“sure.” mikey smiled and walked down to the dance floor holding Michelle’s hand.
I followed them down holding frank’s hand. I smiled as frank put his hands around my waist. I looked back.
“look at that. The new couple.” I laughed. Mikey had his hands on Michelle’s hips while they danced. Michelle’s face was turning redder every second. I smiled and looked back at frank.
“they are too cute together.” Frank smiled.
“yeah. It’s like us.” I turned and faced him.
“yup.” he smiled, “and I’m glad to have you.” he smiled and kissed me.
I could feel my cheeks turn red. I hugged him and rested my head on his shoulder. They started to play slower songs so I didn’t look really stupid holding on to frank like that.
I looked up at him. “I love you.”
He smiled, “I love you too.” he kissed me.
[30 minutes later]
“frank can we sit back down? I’m fucking tired.” I asked.
“of course.” he lifted me up and carried me wedding-style back to the table. I smiled as he let me down so he could sit. I sat on his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. Gerard was sitting across from me, talking to Ray and Bob about something.
“gee, you okay?” I examined him. His eyes were red along with his nose. He was leaning back in the chair. He looked like he was more drunk then before.
“yeah. Yeah yeah. I’m fine.” he smiled. His words were slurred together.
I looked at frank worried. He shrugged. I just rested my head on his shoulder and waited for Michelle and Mikey to come back up.
I sighed heavily.
“I’m gonna go out for a second.” I got off of frank’s lap.
“I’ll come with you.” he said walking with me.
I walked into the alley and leaned on the wall. I lit up another cigarette.
“you okay?”
“no. I was standing here before smoking. There was a drug deal over there so I hid next to this dumpster. The people walked by and one of them sounded like Gerard. That’s why I had mikey follow him to make sure he wasn’t doing drugs.”
“oh…. Now that’s understandable, the fact you’re so worried.” frank took my cigarette and took a drag.
“I know. I’m scared Gerard is going to get hurt really bad.” I bit my bottom lip, “he is a hero to me. Seeing him do this…. It hurts more then if he was just my brother.” I took the cigarette back and took a drag.
“I know. But trust me, we’ll get though this. Even if he is doing drugs, we will help him.”
Frank smiled as he took the last drag from the cigarette. “now come on. It’s cold out here.” he took me by my hand and led me back to the table. I sat back down and watched Gerard. There was defiantly something going on but he didn’t want anyone to know.
Michelle came back up with mikey. They were both smiling.
She sat next to me and leaned over, “he asked me to be his girlfriend.” she whispered.
“congrats.” I smiled.
She giggled, “I just can’t believe he asked me.”
“that was like with frank. He caught me off guard when he kissed me and told me I was perfect…. I think that’s what made me officially love him.” I smiled and looked over at Frank. I kissed him and turned back to Michelle.
“this is the best day of my life!” she smiled.
Yeah… and the worst day of mine.
Chapter eighteen- the funeral.
“Gerard!” I walked into the bunk area.
“hm?” he turned and smiled.
“are you almost ready? We have to meet mom and dad at the house.” I grabbed my cellphone out of my bunk and put into my pocket.
“yeah. I’ve been ready.” Gerard said climbing out of his bunk. He had on an all black tux and a red tie.
“okay. How do I look?” I turned around. I had on a black tux and a red tie. It matched Gerard’s but mine was a little tighter.
“fine.” he said as he put on his shoes.
“are you mad at me or something?” I sat on the bunk across from his which was Mikey’s.
“no.” he said getting up and walking away. I sighed and climbed up to Frank’s bunk.
“come on frank. Let’s get going.” I nudged him.
“alright.” he jumped down, “why aren’t you wearing a dress?” he said looking at me.
“I didn’t want to. That and all of mine are like mini dresses and they are brightly colored.” I smiled, “I don’t think that is proper funeral attire.” I laughed.
“touché.” he laughed and kissed me on the forehead. He put his arm around my waist and walked into the living are holding me closely.
“alright guys. You all ready?” Gerard asked standing up. Everyone nodded as they stood up. They all walked off minus me and Gerard.
“gee.” he walked right by me as if I hadn’t said anything. I moved swiftly off the bus and after him. “GEE! WHAT DID I DO?!” I started to cry. He just looked at me. I felt a cold breeze go by as he contuined to walk. I stood frozen. what did I do?
“lexi come on.” Mikey grabbed my hand and walked.
“mikey, is Gerard mad at me?” I felt like a little kid asking mikey that.
“no, lexi. Gerard…. Gerard is just going though a hard time.” he looked ahead.
“what do you mean?” I looked up at him.
“grandma was Gerard’s idol. She was the reason he sang.” Mikey kept his eyes ahead.
“oh…” I looked at gee.
“he’s just taking it harder then us since he was really close to her.” mikey looked down at me. “he just needs a little space.”
“oh… doesn’t he have to speak today?”
“me, you and him have to.” he looked back up.
“oh.” I looked down. I didn’t have anything prepared. He put his arm around me.
“I think this is gonna be hard on all of us.” he looked over at me.
I nodded.
[20 minutes later at the church]
I walked into the chapel. Everything was set up. I walked over to the casket. There she was. My grandmother. She looked so peaceful. My eyes watered up as I looked at her.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and turned back. Gerard was standing next to me.
“you going to be okay?” he looked at me.
“yeah.” I inhale deeply. “are you?” I looked back at him.
“I hope.” his voice was shaky. I turned and hugged him. I started to cry.
“Gerard, I’m gonna miss her!”
“I know Alex. I will too.” he held me closely. I could feel him cry.
I looked up at him, “gee, mikey told me grandma help you start singing.”
“yeah. That she did.”
“ are you going to even though she’s not around?”
“of course Alex.” he smiled weakly.
I smiled back and turned to frank. He smiled weakly and put his arms around me.
When everyone arrived the service started. The persist started to speak about my grandmother. With every word the tears built up.
“now, the oldest grandson of the deceased will speak.”
Gerard walked up to the podium. He sighed.
“um.. I’m not really good at this stuff but, Elena was an amazing person. She brought a smile to everyone’s face. She is the reason I sing. She helped me a lot as a child and threw most of my teen years. She really meant a lot to me. Even though she has passed, “Gerard sniffled, “she will always be on my mind and in my heart. Thank you.” Gerard said walking down. He sat next to me crying.
“now the second grandson will come up and say a few words.” the persist said as mikey headed over.
“um… I don’t think there is much I can say after Gerard. Our grandmother was one awesome lady. She had always cared about others. No matter what. She rarely got mad. She loved everyone…. Um… yeah… that’s kinda all I can think of. Sorry if it’s not much.” Mikey walked back over to his seat.
“and now, the granddaughter will come up and speak.” the persist said as he handed me the mic.
“thank you father. Um… I’m sorry I don’t have anything written but I will just say a few things.” I swallowed, “She was a mother, a sister and a friend to all of us. I’m sure each and every one of you here today has something to share on how my grandmother touched your life. She shared a lot of good memories, especially with me. We shared lots of things together . I know she taught me how to be the better person. She would always tell me that fighting was wrong. I learned a lot from her and I will treasure the memories.. I can remember the last activity we did together; we went out to watch a movie. As some of you already know my grandmother really loved to watch classic love stories. I always enjoyed our times together. She’d always ask odd questions about the actors or about the story. And I’d just laugh at her and she’d keep on asking until she got the answer she wanted. My grandmother was a very strong woman and she always got her way. Maybe that’s one quality I got from her. She was also a very good adviser. I personally would seek her advice before I’d go to my parents. Even if I didn’t finish what I wanted to ask her she already had an answer for it. She was also the kind of person that would think about other people before herself. She never liked asking for help but she was always ready to lend a helping hand to others. She would do everything in her power to help other people. Although she never got the chance, I think in her own way she was able to show us how important we all were to her. We may no longer see her but we’ll always have these special moments we shared with her. She will always have a special part in our hearts. Let’s just be thankful that we knew a special lady like my grandmother.” I smiled. “even though she’s gone, she will remain in our hearts. Rest in peace Grandma.” I stepped down. I started to cry by the time I reached my seat.
“Alex, that was beautiful.” My mom hugged me. She was crying really hard.
I smiled weakly. I wiped my eyes on my sleeves.
“wow Alex. You’re like a pro at that. I mean look at everyone. They’re all crying.” Frank said as he put his arm around me. He had been crying too since his eyes were red.
The service ended and we all walked outside to the cemetery. Gerard, Mikey, Ray, Bob, Frank and my father were pallbearers. My mother and I followed them to the grave. I watched as the lowered the casket into the grave. My eyes watered up as I grabbed on to Gerard. I was sobbing hysterically. Gerard hugged me. I felt him crying too. Mikey put his arm around Gerard. They started to fill the grave back in. I wiped my eyes. Gerard looked at me.
“what you said about grandma was amazing. You really captured her perfectly.” he smiled weakly. “I’m proud of you.”
The funeral ended and most of the people left. I was standing outside the church while my family spoke to the persist. Frank, Ray, and Bob had started to head back to their cars.
I started at the ground.
“I’m sorry for you’re loss.” I heard a familiar voice. I looked up and saw Seth standing in front of me, in a black tux with a blue tie.
“thanks Seth.” I smiled weakly. “I didn’t except you to come.”
“I heard about it the next day. I figured that’s why you weren’t at school.”
“actually, I’m going on tour with my brothers and my friends.”
“oh.” Seth looked down.
“yeah. I won’t be in school until may or something.” I looked down.
“well, have fun.” he forced a smile.
“thanks. Can I have a hug before you leave?” I asked opening my arms. He smiled and hugged me. I smiled back and looked up at him.
He leaned down and kissed me. “I’ll miss you.”
I touched my lips slightly. Seth…..
I looked up, “I’ll miss you too. I probably will call you in a week or two.”
He smiled, “okay.” he kissed me again. “bye.” he walked away.
Gerard walked over, “who was that?”
“Seth. He just wanted to say sorry and good bye.”
“oh.” I started to walk away. The tears burned my eyes with every step. I made it to frank’s car and hopped in.
“you okay babe?” he asked looking over at me.
“yeah. Just a little upset.” I nodded slightly.
“okay.” he smiled.
… if only he knew…..
Chapter nineteen - the guilt
[2 weeks later in San frasico, California]
I walked out of the bathroom.
“hey babe.” Frank walked by and kissed me.
I looked down. The guilt from having Seth kiss me twice was killing me. I felt horrible, like I had cheated, even though Seth kissed me.
“you okay?” Frank asked sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee.
“I’m guilty…. I MEAN FINE!” I could feel my face turning red.
“is there something on your mind?” he looked over at me.
“nope.” I got up and walked into the bunk area. I climbed into my bunk and layed down. I couldn’t believe I felt so guilty.
I heard my cellphone ringing. I picked it up.
“hello?” I still had my face in the pillow so it was muffled.
“Alex, what’s up?” the person said.
“SETH?!” my eyes opened wipe and I sat up, hitting my head on the top of the bunk.
“yeah.” he started to laugh.
“Seth I hope you’re fucking happy!” I said closing the curtain so I had a little more privacy.
“what?”
“You made me feel guilty when you kissed me!” I layed back on the pillow.
“why did I make you feel guilty?”
“because I have a boyfriend frank.” I put the phone on speak and turned it down so it wasn’t as loud.
“so? I thought you loved me.”
“Seth, I do…. But I barely know you… frank has been there for me my whole life.”
“fuck him. Go with me.”
“NO SETH! FUCK YOU! FRANK MEANS WAY MORE TO ME THEN YOU DO! AND YOU JUST RUINED YOU CHANCES OF EVER GETTING WITH ME!” I closed my phone and threw of out of the bunk. I sniffled and covered my face with a pillow.
“I take it the phone pissed you off.” frank said handing my phone back to me. He sat on the edge of the bunk.
“no. it was the person who was on the other end.” I wiped my eyes.
“oh. I know. I heard. And I think it’s sweet that I mean more to you then he does.” he smiled. He layed on top of me and kissed me.
“you always will Frankie.” I smiled.
Chapter twenty- be careful….
“Gerard?” I looked around the backstage area. “gee?! Where the fuck are you?!” I screamed. I opened the door to the dressing room. “I FINALLY FOUND YOU!”
I walked in and over to Gerard.
“what?” he turned from the mirror. He had been fixing his make up for the concert tonight. His eyes were red and he was swaying slightly.
“are you drunk already?!” I walked over and stood next to him.
“no.” he smiled.
“right….”
“hey Alex.” Frank said hugging me from behind.
“hey.” I turned and smiled. The smiled quickly vanished.
“what’s wrong?” he looked at me. I looked at him in shock. When I turned around I got a bad feeling. Like something was going to happen to him.
“frank, be careful tonight.”
“I always am.” he laughed.
“like when you fell on me.” Bob said.
“yeah.” he smiled.
“FRANK I’M SERIOUS!” I looked down. “I have a feeling something bad is gonna happen to you. Just promise me you’ll be careful.”
“I promise.” he lifted my head and kissed me.
“sorry to intrude on this moment but Alex there is much room left in the pits. Let’s go.” Michelle grabbed my hand and pulled.
We worked our way to the side of the stage that frank and mikey stood. We were over by the barrier and there was people pushing behind us. I got slammed into a few times.
“now what’s wrong Alex?”
“something bad is going to happen. I know it!” I bit my lip and looked up at the stage.
The house lights went off and the guys came on stage. I screamed and started to laugh since Michelle was screaming “mikey I want you in my bed!”
“we’re my chemical romance, and we are from new jersey, where we shot mother fuckers like you!” Gerard screamed as the first song, Our lady of sorrows started.
Me and Michelle were jumping up and down and slamming into the people next to us. I kept my eyes on Frank. He was jumping around the stage. He came close to the edge a few times. My heart would skip beats every time.
During Thank you for the venom, my heart beat became more rapid.
Oh god, frank please be okay.
“Alex, are you okay? You look sick.” Michelle put her hand on my shoulder.
“I have that bad feeling again.” I bit my lip and watched frank carefully.
He was spinning around and jumping. My heart beat quickened as he stood on the speaker. Oh my god.
Everything seemed to slow down and the music seemed to fade away. It felt like it was only me and frank in the room. I could no longer feel the people pushing me or my body being slammed against the barrier. I could hear Gerard singing slightly but it was fading more and more every second. Time seemed to be taking for ever even though it was only a few seconds that had passed. My body grew hotter as frank was playing. He looked down at me and smiled. I smiled back weakly.
Frank was putting his heart into the music. He was still standing on the speaker.
Frank lost his balance and fell forward. My heart stopped completely. Frank hit the ground and stopped moving.
“FRANK!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. The guys were hopping off the stage and running to his side. I stood completely frozen. ….no… this can’t be real! It has to be a dream! It just has to be!